Philosophical Insights From a Lame Guy

More posts with a cell phone? Yes!

I recently got hired at a hospital and pretty much the first day I wore my scrubs I got them filthy. This didn't happen during my shift however. This occurred about an hour after punching out at a (surprise) cafe. A guy in a wheelchair was outside yelling into a cell phone about being unable to date owing to his inablity to attain an erection. He basically screamed "No one can fuck me!" And threw his latte against a wall very close to my head before muttering an apology and wheeling off.

The milk and coffee came out in the wash, but the scene left me with a small impression: is that what 'love' boils down to this unfortunate man?

I never really understood the concept of Love, even though people throw the word around constantly. People are as likely to decry their love of chocolate as of another human, but it surely has a different meaning.

I was took up the Socratic mantle and asked tons of people to define the word love. Most people immeadiately describing the kind of love the crippled man craved, the kind of erotic love found between the legs of someone you're attracted to.

Was love merely a vestige of Man's mating habits? God's way of tricking rational beings to procreate?

Much like Socrates, people quickly grew angry when questioned about the foundations of their beliefs in Love and related topics and I had to drop the subject after a few rounds of "Why?"

In psychology I learned some of the foundations of attraction and bonding. How important neurotransmitters are to how we percieve others. Of how Man's rational mind doesn't kick in until after we make decisions. I peeled back this onion in my mind and none of this information satisfied my mind. In disecting the subject I seemed to have killed it.

Perhaps our lame friend was right, love just boils down to cold mechanics. But one can only hope for the illusion of something timeless and perfect that lasts forever and even if this is the little, white lie we tell ourselves to justify our actions and reactions, it is at the core of what being alive is all about. Man didn't build civilazation merely because he could, he did it to impress the ladies.

Dirty Confessions from a Cell Phone

A: Who goes to coffee shops on a Friday night?
Q: Old people and minors (guess who I am)

I just moved out of my parents house into my own apartment, mirroring my life roughly seven years ago ironically coinciding with the aforementioned High School Reunion. And tonight Jacob Grider (sp?) is performing at this shop, an old friend from Willis Jr High. Ah, life at its finest.

I've been feeling a bit lonely, Winter being the season we draw to others for warmth and comfort. Yes, even I who is so disinclined towards other seek the company of my own kinds, but I remain ever incompetent when dealing with other people.

I wish back for those times not so long ago when I was a phone call away from good times with decent people.

Of course seven years ago I was leaving for the military forever with no knowledge of the actual date. I passed some rediculous smart-people test and the Air Fore wanted my ass. They lost my paperwork a couple of times and sicced the sheriff's office on me when I tried to bilk out on them. All told it took 13 months from me signing up to me shipping out.

In that time I partied like a man with a death sentence. I drank myself into alcohol poisoning, dated a lesbian, dumped a cancer patient, sold porno online, solicited donations for the Republican Party, and flirted with public acts of poetry among other acts during my year in limbo. I was terribly shady during this time, going so far as proposing marriage to anything I could legally marry.

I didn't do certain things because of the military issue. I should have flirted a bit more with drugs, so I'd know what I'm missing, or maybe tried to have an actual relatioship with someone a cared for, instead of treating every girl like 'one last fling'.

I was a little too young when I began my college career, but I'm older now and its seldom in life we get a second chance to do things over. I'm re-starting college in six weeks with a totally blank slate. No friends, no family. Just me and my will.

Perhaps its the best lesson a man can learn.

Pitch: A Real Love Story

"Chasing Sophia"

A modern love story, sans romance, from a male point of view. We follow a young boy barely discovering the differences between boys and girls through adolescence to adulthood. After detailing various crushes, obsessions, and flings with several females before the protagonist comes to realize he's chasing a romanticized ideal and not an actual person. After a bout of despair and depression the man comes to terms with 'the many faced temptress' and comes to relate to women on a personal level, not based upon how they make him feel. The book's ending is vague and seemingly without conclusion.

Guaranteed to be rejected by both sexes, the piece will be most known by devout fans who argue about the female archetypes and religious undertones of the novel.

Its a Reunion

"Reunion" Korea Girl
Got a letter,
An invitation,
The day is here and its been ten years now,
And its time for a reunion.

Why would I spend more time,
With people that I hate,
And couldn't leave behind?
Would we dance,
make a toast,
For all the things you haven't done?
Oh joy, the thrills, so fun, fun.-

I remember the last days of my high school career. The slight sobering moments of honesty exchanged with six year casual acquaintances. I remember speaking with a girl that moved to Jr High around the same time as me about month or so before graduation. I was whining about being really shy and she commented that I mercilessly flirted and hit on anything that moved. After telling her I'd never see anyone in the room for the rest of my life and begin to ponder on this fundamental disconnect between me and her (what was her name, April or Heather?). Growing up in a strict Baptist family the three D's, drinking, dancing, and dating, were denied. I was grounded for a year for getting two C's in the 10th grade and was given a pager to instantly call Mom and Dad whenever paged. I didn't talk to my parents about ANYTHING.

In my mind, the chances of going on a date were zero (I even found out I was allowed to go to Prom way too late to find a date, so I didn't bother going). I never discussed such things to my classmates, it was highly embarrassing, so they drew their own conclusions from my carousing and carrying on. Running around with a bunch of stoners and carrying a pager probably didn't help my peers' perceptions, but that was before I ever thought about such things as my image.

Can't wait to see those guys once again, and maybe a second time in another ten years.

The Windows To My Soul Are Broken

It's a little extreme but I'm legally blind in one eye. It hovers around 20/400 in my right (your left) eye. Now that I'm in my late twenties my opposite eye has weakened to about 20/40, mostly because I refused to where glasses through most of my life. Oddly, my eyes are correct to about 20/15, so wearing glasses gives me a huge migraine. I can clearly see a the pores of your face and the general asymmetricity of everything. In my more melancholic youth I told my acquaintances that I chose not to wear glasses because I saw the ugliness and imperfection of the world surrounding me. That and the airbrushed images the media passes off as the norm has seriously impeded my ability to recognize the general beauty of people and the world around us.

Rightfully so, I find myself drawn into people through my other senses. I go crazy for girls with raspy voices. I'm always drawn to sick women, but the attraction seems to fade when they become well again. Perhaps I'm just a wolf going after the weakest of the pack.

Squeezing Hash Through a Sock

Hello, non-existant people.

The above title is totally misleading, unless you can somehow find meaning in it for yourselves. My name is mostly unimportant since I didn't choose it for myself. Instead, let me espouse my acomplishments rather than various accidents of birth. I'm a psychology student at Arizona State, which is perhaps the best explaination about my personality, as all psychology students are fundamentally insane (studying the innerworkings of the human mind is the method they use to find out why they're broken on the inside). I began college in 2000 and was conscripted into the military in 2003 in an unbelievable tale that I bother not retelling since no one will believe me. I spent 4 years learning afghani to route out terrorists and 1 year as a pharmacy technician, since domestic spying is illegal and I would require civilian employment upon exiting the military. My hobbies include reading, claiming to write, comedy, and other stuff that's very tedious to jot down at present.

I expect no one to actually read this post and with no expectations I can freely fail at this endeavor, as I've failed so many times before.

Sta makh sha peisha darkra.